[picture taken on the flight home from Venice]

I think back to all of the pivotal moments of my life - those moments during which I was sure that I was about to do something phenomenal. At my high school graduation, I was certain that my next step was going to be my moment. And it was. College was absolutely the greatest, most ineffably transformational period of my life. Then, at my college graduation, I was even more certain that my next step was going to be even better. Again, it was. Joining an organization like Teach for America was one of the best decisions I made. Now, here I am, about to "graduate" from the TFA program, and I sit with two prospective next steps and for once, I'm scared and uncertain that either of them are going to lead me to the end goal.

For once, I am being forced to really sit back and examine exactly what that end goal is. I am realizing that, through all these years, I've never had to choose one passion or one big goal. In college, it was okay to be passionate about a myriad of things. Joining TFA was supposed to provide me with the time I needed to really identify the one thing that I could really run after with the rest of my life or career. That hasn't happened yet.

I frequently listen to TED Talk Radio podcasts, and it has exposed this reality about myself more than ever. I hear a Ted Talk about communal gardening and how it's changing those communities, and I suddenly burst with excitement about sustainable development and eco-consciousness. I hear about a group riding bikes for AIDS research, and I'm convinced that I should go buy a bike right now and join them. Until now, I have always loved this about myself - that I had so much zeal for all aspects of social justice, and that the tiniest ounce of love that I have for a particular cause is enough to make me burst at the seams with eagerness to do something about it.

Now, though. Now, I realize that this has likely caused me more harm than good.
Now, there's so much noise.
There's so much indecisiveness.
This unruly passion of mine is causing me pain and confusion and frustration.

The sinew through all of these stories of successful philanthropists and entrepreneurs is that they had ONE big idea and ONE primary passion. Then, they dove in after it, without second-guessing themselves or their "purpose."

And so, I keep asking, "God, when will I discover mine? When will I know what I am supposed to dedicate my life to? Why are you taking so long to show me? Have you already shown me and all of the noise prevented me from hearing it?"

I know that I know that I know down to the very fibers of my being that God has called me to do something, to go somewhere, to fight for something, and to relentlessly pour love into something. I am so eager for Him to show me.

I have to let one of my prospective employers know by the end of this week what my decision is. It's time to start really listening.

This week, it's time to get away from the noise. It's time to stop dreaming, stop letting stories of the successes of others muddy my perception of what I am supposed to do, and really listen. I realize that I may not know what my life's purpose is by Friday, but I want to be 120% certain that, even if I don't know the end goal, I am headed in the right direction toward obtaining whatever that is. I want to be open and quiet enough to hear what it is when God reveals it to me. I want to be tuned in to His voice enough that when He does, there is no doubt that it is from Him.

It is a snow day, which I think warrants all the balloon doodles!!



We just camped out in front of the TV, ate crescent rolls, and watched episode after episode of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations. Talk about a perfect date day.

Those corn-chip-smelling paws.. they kill me. There is just something about paws that are so cute.

























And in other news, I got this beautiful phone case from TonCase on Etsy. This wanderlust of mine is an insatiable beast, you guys.

Here's to snow day part deux! We just received news that we are out of school tomorrow, too. I'm planning to fill it with lots of reading, some yoga, lots of coffee, and more reading.

I love getting to sneak around and capture my church's personality. It's a rewarding gig for sure.

I was blessed enough to be able to look at these beautiful faces for 3 weeks. 3 weeks of laundry, cooking, epic diapers, braiding hair, organizing, having my hair "braided," hugs, kisses, guitar lessons, sidewalk paint, and lots of happy tears. Never have I fallen so head-over-heals for a place or group of people so instantly. I miss each of them so much and would give anything to be able to ditch my job and apartment here and run back to Antigua with just my husband and my dog.

I cannot believe that today is my last day of school with my sweet students. It's certainly been a long and tiring year - full of IEP meetings, schedule changes, no-medication days, and moments of defeat - but I have learned so much about myself and the world of education through this year. I don't know if I'll be a teacher forever, or even if I will be after this next year is over, but I know that I'll leave a better leader. I'll leave knowing how to be empathetic even in moments of anger and exhaustion. I'll leave with more ambition to make education and the communities in which they exist healthier and happier, in whatever capacity I'm aiming to accomplish that in at that time. I'm sitting in an empty classroom today, because I didn't want to pull students from their rooms on their last day, but I definitely hope to give each of them a HUGE hug before they get on those buses.

Tipping my hat to many lessons learned and sending up countless zealous prayers for these babies and their futures.